How would the crew of the Enterprise eat a Reese's
by PearlGirl
Summary: The first chapter is TOS and the second chapter is TNG. R and R PLEASE!!
1. TOS

Disclaimer- I don't own Star Trek, the characters or the ship. I also don't own the candy Reese's peanut butter cup. I wish I did, though. Then I'd get to eat as much as I wanted. I LOVE Reese's peanut butter cups.   
  
(A/N- This is just a silly story that comes from the commericals for Reese's cups. I got the idea from Lorlie. She did one for the TV show The Man From UNCLE. I'm trying a new writting format. I used to do it in a play format, now I'm writing it like an actual story. I'm still going to do play format, I just wanted to try this out. Tell me what you think! And REVIEW!!)   
HOW WOULD JAMES T. KIRK, CAPTAIN OF THE USS ENTERPRISE, EAT A REESE'S?  
  
Kirk was going down the corridors of his ship. He was walking in a slow, confident manner.  
  
"Where did it go?" Kirk mumbled to himself. "I'm sure Yeoman Rand said she put that Reese's peanut butter cup on my bed, but it wasn't there!"  
  
He turns the corner and sees 5 Klingons at the end of the hall.   
  
Kirk walked over to them. "Do you know who I am?" He asked them.  
  
The Klingons blinked. There was silence for a few minutes, then Kirk crossed his arms.   
  
"You're supposed to say, 'KIRK!!' and sound all scared!" He pouted.  
  
One of the Klingons stepped forward. "I am a warrior. I am never scared."   
  
Kirk walked over to the wall, and took a deep breath. Then he smashed his fist into the wall. When he pulled his hand away, there was a gaping hole.  
  
The Klingon who had stepped forward whimpered. "Mommmy!"  
  
Kirk whispered to himself, "I'm glad we only had enough prop money to make the walls out of Styrofoam."  
  
Then a Klingon held out a Reese's peanut butter cup. "Do you recognize this?"  
  
Kirk gasped. "My Reese's peanut butter cup! That's mine!"  
  
The Klingon shook his head. "It's mine now."   
  
Kirk looked sad. Then he walked up to the Klingon and punched him in the stomach. He then kicked out with his left leg and tripped the second Klingon. The second Klingon tripped and fell into the third Klingon. Then the fourth Klingon made punch at Kirk. Kirk ducked, but his shirt got ripped. Then Kirk bashed the fifth and fourth Klingons' heads together.  
  
When the dust settled, there were 5 unconscious Klingons on the ground. One of them was still holding the chocolate candy. Kirk was standing and looking at his ripped shirt.   
  
Kirk smiled. "Fifth one this week! I'm on a roll!" Then he walked over to the Reese's peanut butter cup and removed it from the Klingon's grip. He unwrapped it and bit into the candy. Turning to the unconscious Klingons he said, "I warned you. When someone touches my candy, I get mean."  
HOW WOULD HIKARU SULU, HELMSMAN ABOARD THE USS ENTERPRISE, EAT A REESE'S?  
  
Sulu was in his room. He had a sword in one hand, and in the other he held, guess what? A Reese's cup! He smiled.  
  
"Watch this!"  
  
He threw the Reese's cup into the air. Then, with a flick of his wrist, he raised his sword. All that could be heard was the swish of the blade as it chopped the Reese's cup, in mid-air, into neat fourths. He then opened his mouth and tilted his head back. The pieces of the Reese's cup fell into his open mouth.   
  
"Thank you, thank you." He bowed, and left the room.  
  
HOW WOULD LEONARD H. MCCOY, DOCTOR ON THE USS ENTERPRISE, EAT A REESE'S?  
  
McCoy was in Sickbay. He had no patients since he had just finished his last batch of red-shirts, who had injured themselves in every way possible and some ways that weren't.  
  
Now he was getting a much-deserved break. He was going to fill up that break by eating one of his favorite foods, other then fried chicken. Reese's peanut butter cups.   
  
He had gotten one of the replicators to give him one, though he didn't like the replicators too much. Stupid machines, he thought to himself. They can never get it right. Who knows if this thing is edible? If wish I could have gone to Earth and gotten a real one!  
  
He opened the wrapper and carefully stole a glance around the room. Nobody was there. Good.   
  
He picked up the cup and waved it around, while talking to himself.  
  
"The Starship Enterprise is going through space. Everything is peaceful. Even the amazing Doctor McCoy hasn't started a argument with Spock yet. They are all looking forward to a relaxing day. But SUDDENLY...." (imitating Scotty's accent) Keptan! There is a huge mouth in space. We're being sucked in! There's nothing we can do to stop it!"   
  
Doctor McCoy opened his mouth and took a bite of the Reese's. Then he imitated Spock's voice. "Captain, we have a huge hole in the ship. Life support is failing."  
  
McCoy laughed. "Here's to you, Spock!" He broke off a piece of the Reese's cup. He then held it over his head and imitated Spock's voice. "This is not logical."   
  
He dropped the piece into his mouth. "Ha! Take that, you logical Vulcan!"   
  
Just then, there was a knock on the door. McCoy hastily dropped the peanut butter cup on the table.   
  
"Come in."  
  
Christine Chapel came into Sickbay. "Are you all right, Doctor?" She asked. "I heard you saying something. Were you talking to yourself?"  
  
McCoy turned red. "It's nothing, nurse."  
  
Nurse Chapel looked at him suspiciously. "Well," She said, "I'll be going." She turned to leave. "And by the way, you have chocolate on your mouth."   
  
McCoy hurriedly wiped his mouth on his hand. When he looked up, the nurse was gone.   
  
HOW WOULD PAVEL CHEKOV, NAVIGATOR SERVING ON THE USS ENTERPRISE, EAT A REESE'S?  
  
Chekov was in his quarters. He was bending over his desk, cutting something with a knife. There was a brief pause, then PearlGirl's   
voice came from backstage.   
  
"Chekov! Hurry up!"  
  
"I'm going, I'm going! Can't you wait just a minute? This is tricky work!"  
  
A minute passed.  
  
"You said it would only be a minute!" PearlGirl whined.  
  
"I'm not done yet."  
  
"Well, hurry up! I haven't got all day!"  
  
About 5 mintutes passed.  
  
"Are you done?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Chekov raised his head and held up a small knife in one hand and a Reese's cup in the other. The Reese's cup was shaped like the country Russia.  
  
Chekov smiled and said smugly, "I always said Russia was sweet, didn't I?"  
  
Then he popped it into his mouth.   
  
HOW WOULD EUGENE SNODGRASS, A RED-SHIRTED ENSIGN STILL SURVIVING ON THE USS ENTERPRISE, EAT A REESE'S?  
  
Ensign Snodgrass moaned and covered his face with his hand. Now everyone knew his name. Who else had a name like Eugene? Why did his mother name him that? Why did everyone else get a normal name, and he got stuck with Eugene? It wasn't fair!   
  
He was walking down a corridor when he saw Yeoman Rand coming his way. She was holding a bag.   
  
"Would you like one?" She smiled sweetly at him.  
  
"What are they?" He dared to ask.  
  
The Yeoman smiled. "You're never heard of them before? How funny! They're Reese's peanut butter cups!"  
  
"Are they dangerous?" Snodgrass asked, eyeing the candies dubiously.  
  
Yeoman Rand shook her head. "Of course not!"  
  
Snodgrass still wasn't sure. "Will they kill me? I *am* a red-shirted ensign. Are you sure they're safe? Have you had one? Did anyone else have one yet? Did they survive? Have you-"  
  
Yeoman Rand interrupted. "No! They're fine! Just eat one!" She was looking like she regretted even talking to the ensign. "I have to go. Bye!" She stuffed a candy into his hand, then strode off in a huff.   
  
Ensign Snodgrass studied the Reese's cup. "Hmmmm. It couldn't be *that* bad, right? Right? RIGHT?" Snodgrass looked around and realized that he was the only one in the hallway.   
  
"I probably shouldn't eat this by myself. That wouldn't be smart. I'd better eat it near where Doctor McCoy can see me and maybe save me if I start dying."  
  
Snodgrass began to walk to Sickbay. Then, he tripped over his shoelaces and the Reese cup went flying out of his hands.  
  
"Hey! I don't have shoelaces! Maybe they're invisible." Snodgrass got to his feet and realized, with some surprise, that he was not seriously injured. Then he saw another red-shirted ensign. He was holding the Reese's cup.   
  
"What's this?" The red-shirted ensign asked.  
  
"It's a Reese's cup. You can have it is you want." Ensign Snodgrass replied.   
  
"Thanks." The ensign smiled and began opening the wrapping. Then, before he had gotten it halfway open, there was a BANG! and a huge explosion, which disintegrated the red-shirt. In a matter of seconds, the only thing left in front of Ensign Snodgrass was the Reese's cup, which was halfway open and sitting there innocently.  
  
"I'd better tell Doctor McCoy," Ensign Snodgrass said as he began walking to sickbay, "We lost another red-shirt, and he should warn everybody that those Reese's cups are dangerous."  
  
As Snodgrass leaves, another redshirt walks up to the Reese's cup.   
  
HOW WOULD NYOTA UHURA, COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER ABOARD THE USS ENTERPRISE, EAT A REESE'S?  
  
Uhura was sitting in her room, listening to music. She was trying to decide something, and when she was trying to decide something, she tended to talk to herself.  
  
"Hmmm," Uhura said out loud, "I really shouldn't eat that Reese's cup. I need to keep this gooooorgeous thin waist. Otherwise I might not be able to wear such short skirts. But then again, it's just one. Christine brought it to me personally. She said she had seen Dr. McCoy eating them and so they must be pretty good."  
  
She began to open the wrapping. "Just a little bit." She whispered to herself. "It wouldn't make any difference." She took a bite. "Yummmmmy!" She took another bite. "Just one more bite." She tasted the Reese's again. "Delicious." She looked at the half of the Reese's cup that she had left.   
  
"Oh, what the heck." She shrugged and shoved the rest into her mouth.  
  
HOW WOULD MISTER SPOCK, SCIENCE OFFICER SERVING ON THE USS ENTERPRISE, EAT A REESE'S?  
  
PearlGirl and Spock were in Spock's quarters. Spock looked totally unemotional, and PearlGirl looked exasperated. She held a Reese's peanut butter cup.  
  
"Come *on*, Spock!" PearlGirl whined, "You *have* to eat it!"  
  
The reply was swift. "Vulcans do not eat Reese's peanut butter cups."  
  
PearlGirl was not giving up. "But you have to show how you would eat it!"  
  
Spock sighed. Why didn't humans understand this? It was simple logic. "So you want me to act as I would if I were presented with a Reese's peanut butter cup?"  
  
PearlGirl nodded. At last she was getting through to the Vulcan.   
  
Spock saw a way out, and took it. "The way I would react would be to refuse to eat it. Thus, the way Spock eats a Reese's is simply by not eating it."  
  
PearlGirl moaned. "Come on! Why can't you just eat it? It's just a puny little Reese's cup!"  
  
"Because there is no point in eating it." Spock explained patiently. "Reese peanut butter cups have no nutrients. They are virtually chocolate and peanut butter. Chocolate, of course comes from a cocoa bean plant, while peanut butter comes-  
  
PearlGirl interrupted Spock, "I don't have time for a health lecture, Spock!" She paused. "Do you think I could get Jim to order you to eat it?"  
  
Spock answered, "I see no reason why the Captain should order me to eat a candy."  
  
PearlGirl sighed. "I suppose you're right. But it would do you some good to act more human."  
  
Spock raised his eyebrows. "Did Doctor McCoy inform you of this?"  
  
"How'd you guess?"  
  
"It seemed like something the doctor would say in this situation." Spock answered.  
  
PearlGirl moaned. "I guess I'll have to give up. It doesn't look like you're going to agree with me."  
  
"That is correct, Author."  
  
HOW WOULD MONTGOMERY SCOTT, CHIEF ENGINEER ABOARD THE USS ENTERPRISE, EAT A REESE'S?  
  
Scotty was in Engineering, as usual, when a red-shirted ensign caught his eye. The ensign looked very frightened. He was sneaking around, as if he didn't want to be seen.  
  
Scotty went over to him. "What's the matter, ensign?"  
  
The ensign jumped about a foot, then calmed down when he realized it was just Mister Scott.  
  
"Oh, it's just you, Mister Scott." The ensign took a deep breath. "I thought it was Yeoman Rand."  
  
"Why are ye scared into hidin' from some yeoman?" Scotty wanted to know.  
  
"She passing out....." The ensign looked around carefully, then said in a low whisper, "Reese's cups."  
  
"And what's a Reese's cup?"  
  
"Shhhhh!" The ensign hissed, then looked around again. "You don't know what a Reese's cup is?"  
  
"Come on now!" Scotty snorted indignantly. "I'm an engineer, not a dictionary!"  
  
"Isn't that Doctor McCoy's line?" The red-shirted ensign asked. "You can't steal his line! That's plagiarism!"  
  
"I have my rights!" Scotty insisted. "Besides, it's only plagiarism if McCoy copyrighted it...... I think."  
  
"Oh. Well, a Reese's cup is a chocolate and peanut butter candy."  
  
"And what's the matter with a bit o' candy?"  
  
"Well, you see, sir," The ensign explained, "They're killing off red-shirts! Four have died already! If she comes through that door..." The red-shirted ensign pointed to a door over to their left, "I'm going to be out of here faster then a ball out of a shotgun."  
  
Just then, the door opened and Yeoman Rand stepped in.   
  
"Hi, people!" She smiled cheerfully. "Anyone up for a Reese's cup?" The ensign screamed and ran for the closest door. He promptly tripped and fell into the warp core. McCoy came through a door and hurried over to the ensign with his med-kit.   
  
After looking into the warp core for about two seconds, the Doctor walked over to Scotty.   
  
"He's dead, Mister Scott."  
  
"I think that's a bit obvious, don't you?"  
  
McCoy shrugged. "That's my job. Stating the obvious." Then he left.   
  
Yeoman Rand sighed. "That's the fifth redshirt that's died today! I don't know what it is!"  
  
"I don't know either." Then Scotty eyed the candy. "Could I have one?"  
  
"Sure." The Yeoman handed the chief engineer a Reese's cup wrapped in paper. Just then, the communicator turned on. Captain Kirk's voice came out of it.  
  
"Scotty, we need you to fix a hole in the ship!"  
  
"Where is this hole in me ship?"  
  
"In Engineering." Just after Kirk had finished, Scotty noticed a quarter-sized hole in the wall. A blue gas was leaking in.   
  
"Mister Spock said the gas is poisonous." Kirk continued. "We need you to patch it up immediately!"  
  
"It'll take an hour, sir!"  
  
"You don't have an hour, Mister Scott!"  
  
Scotty paused just for a minute. Then he ripped the paper off the reese cup, ran over to the hole, and squashed the candy into it. The gas flow stopped. Scotty began talking into the communicator.   
  
"I'm done, sir."  
  
"What?!" Kirk was surprised. "You're a miracle-worker, Scotty! I'm glad you're on my ship!"  
  
Scotty winked at Yeoman Rand. "Sir, you should be even gladder that I had a Reese's cup with me."  
  
THERE'S NO WRONG WAY TO EAT A REESE'S.  
  
(A/N- Like I said, it's very silly. I hope it's silly in a good way, though. Please tell me how you liked this writing style, and your favorite lines. Don't worry about how five ensigns died in this story. Kirk still has plenty left. REVIEW!) 


	2. TNG

(Well, here's the second part. This has the Next Generation characters in it. I don't know if it's all that funny, or if I matched the characters well, but it wasn't easy!)  
  
DISCLAIMER- I don't own Star Trek, or any of the characters. I am making a profit on this, though. It costs one review a chapter.   
  
REVIEWER NOTES  
  
Blue Star Galaxy- Glad you liked it. McCoy's was my favorite too. Did I mention I like your pen name?  
  
Lady Chekov- Hold on to your fanny! I've got lots more story ideas coming. I'll definitely do more of both formats. I'm glad you're posting again. I read your latest story.  
  
Kittenchatter- Spock's was my second favorite. I like it 'cause I'm in it!   
  
Blynneda- I'm glad you didn't decide to "get around to" reviewing. About the spelling. It's so good because my sister corrects my work. I can't spell worth beans. Your favorite line was also my sister's favorite. She almost died laughing when she read it. Yeah, it did have sort of a plot in the end. And yeah, Tavia's did influence it. I LOVE her React stories!!  
  
Taskemus- Glad you liked it. McCoy's was also my favorite. His is based off how I eat my M & M's. I always play with them and sort them by color and stuff. Yup, I'm weird. What can I say?  
  
IIShameekaII- No, actually Chekov never really said that. He does talk about Russia a lot, though. Close enough. Just out of curiosity, how'd you get your pen name?   
  
HOW WOULD DEANNA TROI, COUNSELOR ON THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, EAT A REESE'S?  
  
Troi was in her room. She was getting ready for the meeting. Or at least, that's what they were calling it. "What should I make?" She wondered to herself. She need to bring something to eat for the meeting. She could just get the replicators to replicate something, like everyone else probably was doing, but she wanted to be different. That didn't mean she was going to go to all that trouble and actually *make* something. No, she was going to use something someone else had made.   
  
Fortunately for Troi, she had just gotten a packet of sweets from her mother. "Always good to have something sweet when you start feeling serious." her mother would say. "That'll get you hyper again."  
  
Troi looked through the box of treats and found just what she was looking for. A package of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Just her luck. She loved them, and doubted anyone else had ever had them before.   
  
She placed them one by one of a special platter. There. Now it looked like she had went through all the trouble of actually making them. "But what if someone asks for the recipe?" Troi wondered out loud. "I could just say it's a secret, but then they'll know something's up. Hmmmmmm." Troi was stuck. "I know!" Her face lit up. "I'll just say I'll tell them *later*! They'll forget in two hours, and then later will never come!"  
  
Please with her scheme, the betazoid decided to celebrate. She unwrapped one of the candies and took a bite.   
  
"Yummy! My mother certainly has good taste."  
  
After she had finished her treat, she went back to continue her counseling duties.  
  
HOW WOULD WILLIAM RIKER, FIRST OFFICER ABOARD THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, EAT A REESE'S?  
  
Riker was feeling depressed. He needed counseling. "Lucky for me," The first officer thought as he walked down the hall, "I happen to have a friend who can help me with that."  
  
Riker knocked on Counselor Troi's door. After a few minutes, she opened it.   
  
"Hello, Will." She said. "How are you doing?"  
  
"I'm feeling-" Troi interrupted him.  
  
"Wait! Let me guess." She closed her eyes for a second. "Hmmmm. Envy. I sense jealousy and envy!"  
  
"You do?" Riker was surprised.  
  
"Oh. Never mind. Let me try again." Troi closed her eyes. "Hmmmm." She mumbled. "I sense..... I sense... sense..... anger?" She looked at him.  
  
"Nope." Riker shook his head.  
  
"Darn it! I need more practice." This time she didn't bother to close her eyes. "Hostility?"  
  
"Try again."  
  
"Confusion?"   
  
"Sorry, that is not the winning ticket. Please try again." Riker joked. "Should I just *tell* you?"  
  
"No! I can figure it out! Are you feeling....... overwhelmed?"  
  
"And you say you're a counselor?" Riker wondered.  
  
"It's not *my* fault you people have minds that are hard to read!" Troi pouted.   
  
"I'm feeling depressed." Riker figured he'd better just tell her.  
  
"I know!" Troi exclaimed. "You're feeling depressed!"  
  
"Wow!" Riker said in mock surprise. "How did you know? You're amazing!"  
  
"Why thank you."  
  
Riker rolled his eyes. "Can you help me, or should I just stand outside your room for two more hours?"  
  
"Could you?" Troi asked. "That's *soooo* kind of you to suggest it! I'm really busy. I'm glad you don't mind!"  
  
Troi started to close the door, but Riker seized the it and stopped it from closing. "Do you know what I'm feeling now?" He asked.  
  
"Dear me, you do sound depressed." Troi nodded. "I know just the thing!" And she was gone in a flash.  
  
After a few minutes, she returned with a tray of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. "These are wonderful for curing depression." She told him with a smile. "I was going to save them for the..... you know."  
  
Riker nodded.   
  
"But you can have one. I made them."  
  
Riker thanked her and took one. Then he noticed the wrapping paper. "Did you make this paper?" He asked, looking at her.  
  
Troi blushed. "Welllll...." She tittered. "Okay, fine! I didn't make them. My mom gave them to me. But at least I didn't just get them off the replicator!"  
  
Riker shrugged. "I don't care, Deanna. I didn't make mine either. I just picked up some Chinese take-out at Risa. They have some good food!"  
  
Troi laughed. "Is it just me, or do you always pick up stuff from Risa?"  
  
"They have a lot of good stuff." Riker took a bite of the Reese's cup. "So does your mother, I see."  
  
"Feeling less depressed?"  
  
"Yup." Riker said. Then he eyed the other Reese's Cups on her tray. "I'm not feeling depressed anymore, but now I feel terribly overwhelmed! I think another Reese's should do it!" He reached for one.  
  
"Oh no you don't!" Troi snatched the tray away. "The best cure for being overwhelmed is to go to the bridge and start actually working! Annoying the councelor will make it worse." She shut the door before he had a chance to grab for a candy.  
  
Riker sulked off. No consideration, he thought. Nobody pays attention to the first officer's needs. But then he realized he could have another one at the meeting.  
  
HOW WOULD WESLEY CRUSHER, ENSIGN SERVING ON THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, EAT A REESE'S?  
  
Wesley came rushing into Sickbay. "Mom! Mom!" He called. "Look what Counselor Troi gave me!"   
  
"What is it, dear?" Beverly Crusher called from the backroom. "Bring it here."  
  
Wesley continued talking as he walked to were his mother was. "She gave me two Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. The counselor made them for the...... you know."  
  
"Yes, I know." Beverly called. "Wait," She sounded alarmed, "Did you say she *made* them?"  
  
Wesley finally came into the backroom and found his mother leaning over one of the computers. "Well," He said, "She *said* she made them, but they're wrapped in paper, so I doubt she really did."  
  
Beverly looked relieved. "Thank goodness."  
  
"Why is it thank goodness?" Wesley asked.  
  
"You know how I just got the replicator to make brownies? Well, if she went to all the trouble of actually *making* something, it'll make me look very lazy, you see?"  
  
No, Wesley did not see. He was glad his mom was getting the replicator to do the work, whether or not Counselor Troi had made hers by herself or not. He couldn't speak for the counselor, but his mother was a *really* bad cook. "I see." He told his mother. No point in making her explain it. She probably couldn't. She'd say it was a womens' thing.  
  
"I'm surprised you understand." Beverly said. "It's really more of a womens' thing."   
  
Wesley rolled his eyes. "Can I have one?"  
  
"Before dinner? I don't think so!" Beverly looked stern. "Especially not with the....... you know, coming up."  
  
"Please! I'll let you have one!"  
  
"Wes, my word is final."  
  
Wesley sighed. "Okay, Mom." He gave the bag containing the two candies to his mother, then went out into the next room. He saw his mother put the bag on the table in the middle of the room, then go back to her computer working.  
  
Wesley smiled. No way was this Crusher giving up that candy. Dinner wasn't for another hour, and he couldn't wait.  
  
Wesley hurried to his room and pulled out the necessary equipment. A communicator, and a recorder. Then he hid behind the door into the backroom, where his mother was working. Quickly he put the recorder by the communicator and turned on the communicator. Then he pressed the play button on the recording.   
  
"Picard to Beverly ." The recorder played, matching the captain's voice exactly.  
  
"Yes?" His mother turned on her communicator.  
  
"Could you change the date of the physicals?" The recorder asked.  
  
"Sure. Just a second." Wesley heard his mom moving around, looking for her schedule.  
  
"I'm looking for my schedule, hang on. Here it is!" Beverly looked at the notepad briefly. "I could change it to next week."  
  
"Make it so." The communicator replied, just before Wesley turned it off.  
  
"Okay. Beverly out." The doctor turned off her communicator, just as Wesley turned off his. Then she began muttering to herself. "Now I need to write that down in the records." She hurried out of the room, totally oblivious to the person who was behind the door.  
  
The second Beverly left, Wesley rushed into the room and grabbed the bag of candies. Just as quickly as he had come, he scurried back out. Once he was safely in his room, he unwrapped one. "Yes!!" He thought to himself. "Mission steal the candy was successful, thanks to this recording I took of the Captain." He smiled. "Won't it be funny when Captain Picard asks mom why she rescheduled the physicals?"   
  
The boy was about to take a bite, when the door flew open. In stepped one VERY angry mother.   
  
"What do you THINK you're doing, Wesley Robert Crusher?!!"  
  
"Heh, heh." That was all Wesley could say.  
  
"I told you no candy, but you deliberately DISOBEYED me!!"  
  
"Well-"  
  
"Do you have anything to say for yourself?"  
  
"But Mom!"  
  
"Hand it over." Wesley reluctantly gave her the two Reese's cups.  
  
Beverly sighed. "That *was* a pretty good trick, though."  
  
Yeah, Wesley thought. It *was* a good trick. He'd been using the same one for at least three years. He had millions of Picard recordings.  
  
"And it would have worked, except that you left your communicator and recorder on the table where the candy was." His mother smiled and tossed his equipment unto his bed.   
  
Stupid! Wesley thought.   
  
"But, I've decided to still let you go to the.... you know."  
  
"Thank you, thank you, thank you!!" Wesley was overjoyed. As long as he got to come to *that*, he could take the punishment.  
  
"I'll think of a good punishment later." Beverly said.  
  
"I've got a GREAT idea!" Wesley said. "Why don't you make me eat ten apple pies! That'd be just horrible!"  
  
"Ha, ha. I don't think so." Beverly shut the door, leaving with the two candies.  
  
Oh well, Wesley thought. He still had plenty more tricks up his sleeve.  
  
HOW WOULD BEVERLY CRUSHER, DOCTOR WORKING ON THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, EAT A REESE'S?  
  
Beverly shook her head as she shut the door to her son's room. That boy was something else, she thought. To think to record the captain's voice. Now, THAT took a good brain.  
  
She looked at the two Reese's peanut butter cups in her hand. One was open.  
  
What a shame to let it go to waste, she thought. It'll go bad if someone doesn't eat it.   
  
She looked around suspiciously. Wesley was still in his room. Hmmmmm.  
  
The candy looked delicious. She was the mother, after all. She could have something before dinner. It wouldn't hurt *her* appetite. Maybe.   
  
She took a bite. "This is wonderful!" She said out loud. "Yummmy"  
  
In a matter of seconds, it was gone. She looked at the other un-opened one. She'd save that for her son. If she could resist the urge.  
  
HOW WOULD GEORDI LAFORGE, CHIEF ENGINEER ON BOARD THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, EAT A REESE'S?  
  
Geordi was in Engineering, as usual. He was tinkering with some complicated looking stuff, when his communicator turned on.  
  
"Geordi here."  
  
"This is Captain Picard." The captain's voice came over the communicator.  
  
"Yes, sir?" Geordi asked.  
  
"I need you to do a report for Starfleet command. All you need to do is take something apart and label all the parts." Picard instructed.  
  
"Okaaay." Geordi shrugged. "That's an interesting assignment."  
  
"It's not very important, so just do it really fast and sloppy." Captain Picard told him. "We have more important things to do. Like going boldly were no man has gone before!"  
  
"Or woman!" Troi, being in Engineering, had overheard their conversation.  
  
"Counselor Troi," Picard's voice was heard on the communicator, "Please stay out of this conversation. Just go sit in your chair on the bridge and tell me how everybody feels."  
  
"But *Captain*," Troi came up behind Geordi and whined, "You *always* get that wrong! It's not man, it's *people*!"  
  
"Boldly going were no *people* have gone before??" Picard sounded incredulous.  
  
"Well, you can say men and women." Troi offered.  
  
"That sounds even worse!"  
  
"Please," Geordi said, "Let's not fight."  
  
"Oh sure, side with him." Troi was really annoyed.  
  
"I'll get the Author to work with that next episode." Picard promised.  
  
"That's what you *always* say!" Troi sputtered.  
  
"Counselor Troi," The Captain's voice was stern. "I order you only to say something if it's about your job."  
  
"Fine. I sense deep anger! How was that?"  
  
"Counselor!" Picard put on his you're-being-a-bad-girl-today voice. "You're being a bad girl today. I want you to sit in your chair and behave yourself."  
  
Troi grumbles "Hummpf! But I'm going to get together with Beverly and form a womens' rights movement!"  
  
"You do that." Picard said. Anything to get rid of her.   
  
"So, Captain," Geordi said, "What do I do my fast and sloppy report about?"  
  
"I don't know. Just do the first thing you see."  
  
"Ok." Geordi shrugged. "LaForge out."  
  
Geordi turned around, just in time for a tray filled with Reese's peanut butter cups to be shoved in his face. When he had recovered from the shock, he looked beyond the tray. There was Troi, holding the tray.  
  
"Where do I put these?" She asked.  
  
"I don't know. What are they for?" Geordi asked.  
  
"They're for the.....*you know*!" Troi hinted.  
  
"Ohhhh. That. It's going to be in the conference room."  
  
"Ok." Troi started to leave, but then Geordi realized what Picard had just said. The first thing he saw.   
  
"Wait! Can I have a candy?" Geordi begged. "Pleeeease?"  
  
"It's for the report, isn't it?" Troi asked.  
  
"Yeah. Were you listening?" Geordi asked suspiciously.  
  
Troi tried to look innocent. "Oh no! Of course I wasn't. But you can have one. I made them."  
  
"Oh really. How nice." Troi handed him a Reese's cup. He examined it. "Wow! You went to all the trouble of putting a bar code on it!"  
  
"Heh. Heh." Troi laughed weakly. "Yeah. I wanted it to *seem* like my mother gave them to me. But I really made them."  
  
"Riiiiight."  
  
Troi left to put her "homemade" candies in the conference room. Georgi sighed. He'd better get to work. He'd bring this to the Captain at the.....*meeting*.  
  
HOW WOULD JEAN-LUC PICARD, CAPTAIN OF THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, EAT A REESE'S?  
  
Picard was going to the meeting. It was going to be dull. Nothing exciting had happened in a while, so they were forced to do stupid assignments. Like that one he was having Geordi do. Man, that was stupid. He knew Starfleet wasn't going to look at it.  
  
When he entered the onference room, he noticed with some surprise that it was dark. He flicked on the lights. He saw people around the room, hiding underneath to table and behind chairs and such.  
  
Then he heard someone say, "Was that the Captain?" then somebody said, "Do we surprise him now?"  
  
Then all of a sudden, about 20 people jumped out from various hiding places and yelled "SURPRISE!!"   
  
Then they all began singing "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Jean-Luc Picard, happy birthday to you!"  
  
Picard was extremely surprised. Not because of the jumping out of hiding places, but because he'd totally forgotten about his birthday. Now he remembered. It *was* July 13.   
  
They started singing again. "How old are you, how old are you, how old are you, how old are you? Are you 1, are you 2, are you 3, are you 4..."  
  
They kept at it for quite a while. They got to around 34 when somebody got smart and figured that by the time they reached his age, he'd probably be a year older, and the food would go bad. So they just stopped. Picard was glad. He didn't need reminding of his age.   
  
Then Deanna brought out the cake. It was HUGE!! They just got the replicator to make it, but they weren't telling him that.   
  
The cake had too many candles to count, and it read "Happy 63rd birthday, John Luke Pecard. Picard winced at the name. They must have gotten a red-shirted ensign to do it. Then he saw the age. 63! No way!   
  
"I'm not 63." He told them calmly.  
  
Everyone looked at Riker nervously. "Yes you are!" He said. But he didn't sound too sure.   
  
"No I'm not." Picard said. "The Stardate is 2363. I was born in 2305."   
  
Everyone did the math. Data, not surprisingly, was fastest.  
  
"You are 58, sir."  
  
Everyone gulped. Riker stammered, "I swear you had your 62nd birthday last year!"  
  
"Sorry, you're off by 5 years." Picard said.  
  
Everyone was quiet. Then Deanna walked up to the cake with a knife. She smeared the icing 63. It looked like she was trying and falling to make it into a 58. It just looked like a smear. "Heh. Heh." She said weakly.   
  
"Well," Beverly said, "I sure was surprised when Riker said you were 63. I think you look much more like 58!"  
  
Picard smiled. "I'm glad you think so."   
  
Riker took a breath. "Well, despite that little draw back, this party is still going to be great!"  
  
"Yeah!" Everyone cheered.   
  
Riker walked over to Picard. "I told everyone to make the food. You're probably sick of replicated food."  
  
Picard shrugged. "I can't tell the difference."  
  
Riker ignored him. He called out "Who brought food that isn't replicated?"  
  
Everyone looked around nervously. Troi was the only one with a hand in the air. She was looking extremely pleased with herself.  
  
"Good thing I can't tell the difference." Picard said.  
  
Picard and Riker walked over to Troi and her tray of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Riker blinked at her. "You didn't-"  
  
"Shhhhh!" Troi glared at him.  
  
Picard announced. "Since hers aren't replicated, she should have the honor of her food being the first that I eat." Troi beamed.   
  
Picard selected one. Then he unwrapped it and took a bite. "Delicious!" he said. "They pretty good to have been made by you!"  
  
"Hey!" Troi glared at him.  
  
Picard looked nervous. "Well, that time you made a cake for that party in honor of the ambassador, let's just say you had a lot of leftovers."  
  
"It's not *my* fault that salt looks just like sugar! They were in identical bags!" Troi exclaimed.  
  
"Well," Picard said hastily, "Let's just say that these ones you made are an improvement."  
  
"Welllll," Troi looked embarrassed, "I didn't say I *made* them, exactly."  
  
Picard smiled. "Where'd you get them?"  
  
"They're from my mother." She whispered. "Just don't tell anyone."  
  
"I won't." Picard finished the candy. "If you bring these to my 59th birthday party.  
  
HOW WOULD WORF, LIEUTENANT COMMANDER ABOARD THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, EAT A REESE'S?  
  
It was Captain Picard's party. Worf was really confused. Why would everyone be so embarrassed about getting the age wrong? A Klingon would be honored to have everyone thinking of him as older. It would mean he could still command a starship at age 63. Oh well. These *were* humans. They were different.  
  
The food was brought out, and Troi was leading him around and suggesting things he should sample.  
  
"And *these* are my favorite!" The counselor said, pointing to some cookies that were on the table.  
  
Worf wasn't really listening. Troi had said the exact same thing about every single dish. Was it possible for all of them to be her favorite?  
  
"And these cake things are the best!" Troi babbled. "I could eat about twenty of them. "  
  
Worf looked at her doubtfully.  
  
"And this must be pink jello!" Troi pointed to a wobbling pinkish dish. "I LOVE pink jello!"  
  
"Actually it is a Klingon dish called Batla fu." Worf said. "I had the replicators make it."  
  
"Sounds good." A random red-shirted crewmember reached over and scraped some of the wiggling mass unto his plate. Then he began to eat it.  
  
"I wouldn't advise you eat it." Worf said. "Some humans aren't used to Klingon food."  
  
"What's in it?" The Crewmember asked. "It tastes like something, but I can't place it."  
  
"It's targ liver, lightly sprinkled with slewet eyes." The Klingon replied.  
  
"GROSSSSSS!" The crewmember fainted.  
  
"That is unusual behavior." Worf noted. "Usually if a human that is not used to Klingon food eats Batla fu they light on fire."  
  
Troi shook her head. "Well, you did warn him."  
  
The continued down the tables. "Try this!" Troi exclaimed. "I made it myself!" She pointed to an empty tray. "Oh nuts! It's gone!"  
  
"What did they look like?" Worf inquired.   
  
"They were Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. They're brown and orange."  
  
"If I see any more, I will taste one." Worf promised.   
  
Troi moved on the suggest some food to Data. Worf went to eat some Batla fu, since nobody else was. They were all looking at it suspiciously, as if expecting it to blow up. Then he saw the thing Troi had described. It was on a plate. All the parts were taken apart and labeled. Worf shrugged. He didn't care if it was in different pieces. He ate it in one bite.   
  
"An unusual taste." He commented. "This is very human. Very sweet, and it is not raw."  
  
HOW WOULD COMMANDER DATA, AN ANDROID SERVING ON THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, EAT A REESE'S?  
  
Data was at Picard's party. It was going well so far. Well, at least, that was his deduction. There was the minor setback of the wrong age for the captain. Data did not understand this. He went to Geordi with his question.  
  
"Geordi, what is wrong with mistaking the captain for 63?"   
  
"Well, see Data. It's just....." Geordi faltered. "Gosh, this is hard. I wish you were human."  
  
"I myself am often wishing that, as well." Data said.  
  
"I guess...... it's like......" Geordi couldn't explain it.  
  
"Is it because you feel insulted that they would not know your age?" Data guessed. "Maybe the captain would think you didn't know him very well?"  
  
"Yes! That's it!" Geordi exclaimed. "Welllll..... sort of. It's that, and that people don't want to be mistaken for being older."  
  
"Why not?" Data was curious. "Does being older not mean being more experienced and wise?"  
  
"I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle." Geordi said "You and Worf should get to together."  
  
"Because we both do not understand?" The android asked.  
  
"Right."  
  
"Is it because they do not want to look 63?"  
  
"Yes! That's exactly it!" Geordi said. "Go you, Data! I couldn't put it better myself!"  
  
"Why not? Do humans think that the older you look, the worse you look?" Data inquired.  
  
"Look, you wouldn't understand, Data." Geordi said. "You'll never look older. Humans, well, they get old."  
  
"Sometimes I wish that I could also grow old." Data said.  
  
"Well, your parts get old."  
  
"It is not the same."  
  
"I supposed you could just get surgery. But whoever heard of someone trying to look older?" Geordi smiled.   
  
"I will add that to my wys to act more human list." Data said seriously.  
  
Geordi laughed. "Why don't you try so human food?"  
  
"I will do so."  
  
Just then, Deanna Troi came over to Data. She began pointing out all the foods she liked best.  
  
"Ohhh. Data! You *have* to try this one! It's my favorite!" The counselor blabbed. "I like these best! How about this? Is that chocolate cake? Yummy! I think my favorite is that over there. Try this, isn't it the best? I thought it was!"  
  
Data interjected. "Counselor, you have so far said you liked four things the most. How is that possible?"  
  
"Welllll," Troi was puzzled, "They're all my favorite!" Ohhh! I wish I could let you try a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup! They're all gone!"  
  
Just then Troi heard Beverly talking loudly.  
  
"Don't you dare try and sneak all those into our room! Put those back this minute, mister!"  
  
Wesley slumped his shoulders. He walked back towards the tables and opened up a bag. It was full of at least twenty pieces of food. Then he put everything back.  
  
Troi shook her head. "That Wesley. He tried to sneak off with half the banquet."  
  
Data thought for a moment, then added, "I would have to say he tried to sneak off with about one fifty-ninth of the banquet."  
  
Troi stared at him for a minute, then shrugged. "Of course, Data."  
  
They looked and saw that some of the stuff Wesley put back were Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.   
  
"I think I will take your advise, Counselor." Data said and took one of the candies. "Did you make these?" He asked.  
  
"Yes, I did!" Troi beamed.  
  
Data frowned, then blinked. "I did not know it was possible for you to duplicate the wrapping around the candy."  
  
Troi blushed. "Okay, so I didn't make them. But don't tell anyone."  
  
Data frowned. Why should he not tell anyone? Why did it matter if they were replicator or actually made? He did not understand. "I will not tell."  
  
"Thanks. You're the only one who knows."  
  
Data ate the cup. Then he tried to remember how a human would act if he ate one. He tried to smile. "Sweet!" He said slowly. "These are the coolest thing!" Troi stared at him. "Was that how a human would react?" He asked.  
  
"No." Troi said immediately. "Do me a favor, Data. Stick to being an android. You're much better at it."  
  
Data blinked.  
  
HOW WOULD Q, AN ANNOYING MEMBER OF THE Q CONTINUUM WHO VISITS THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, EAT A REESE'S?  
  
Q was getting bored. He needed something to do. I know! He thought to himself. It's been awhile since I've paid dear old Jean-Luc a visit. He must miss me.   
  
With a snap, Q was on the Enterprise. Invisible, of course. He looked around. Now to find Jean-Luc. He snapped his fingers and appeared, still invisible, in a dark conference room. He saw Jean-Luc enter the room and turn on the light. Then he saw everyone yell "Surprise!"   
  
He sniggered at Picard's surprised face. Why, Jean-Luc, Q thought, you didn't tell me it was your birthday.  
  
He almost laughed out loud when Picard said he wasn't 63. Oh, but mon capitan, you certainly look it.   
  
He watched the whole party scene for about twenty minutes. He loved spying! It was one of his favorite things to do. Then he got an idea. Things were just too quiet. He glided over to the table and picked out one of the trays. It had little candies on it in brown and orange wrappings. He thought he'd heard someone call them Reece Walnut Bottom Cops or something.   
  
Q, with the tray, glided over Picard. He was talking to Geordi.  
  
"I don't know where it went!" Geordi was insisting. "It was on a plate, with all the parts labeled! One minute it was there, the next minute, gone!"  
  
"That's okay." the captain assured him. "Starfleet probably wasn't going to look at it. I guess somebody was really hungry."   
  
Q snapped his fingers, and became visible. "Why, mon capitan!" Q said to Picard. "It's your birthday! Here's my little present!" He smiled. It was time to start what humans called a food fight.  
  
Q took the tray and selected one of the candies. Then he threw it at Troi's face. When Troi turned in surprise, Q ducked behind Picard and shoved the tray into his hand.  
  
"Captain!" Troi gasped. Then she grabbed one of the pies of the tables and flung it at him.  
  
But seeing as she was a counselor and not a pie-thrower, her aim was off. Instead, she hit Beverly.  
  
"Troi!" Beverly turned. "Trying to start a food fight, are we? I'm game!" She grabbed the Batla fu and dumped it over Troi's head. Fortunately for the counselor, she missed. It landed on a red-shirted ensign, who burst into flame.  
  
Wesley laughed so hard that he fell over. Then Geordi tripped over him and fell right into the cake. When he raised his head, it was covered in white frosting.  
  
Soon, all was chaos. Everyone was participating. Data was even trying to throw a pizza slice at Riker. Apparently he was trying to learn about this strange human ritual.   
  
Then, Q snapped his fingers. The entire banquet table lifted itself up and flipped over. Food rained down on everyone, especially the captain. This probably wasn't a coincidence.  
  
All of a sudden, something hit Q in the face. It was a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. He looked and saw Picard watching him with satisfaction. Q laughed. So this captain *could* have fun after all! He scraped the candy off his face and ate it. It was really quite good, for human food anyway.  
  
After watching the fight for about ten minutes in a safe place, Q decided it was time to go. He'd caused enough chaos for one day. "You've not seen the last of me, Jean-Luc Picard!" Q called. "Do invite me to your next party! It was a blast!" And with that, he was gone.  
  
HOW WOULD MILES O'BRIAN, CHIEF OF OPERATIONS ON THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, EAT A REESE'S?  
  
O'Brian was late for the party. He'd been caught up with Molly, his daughter. She kept insisting, "Read me book, read me book!" Could her mommy read it to her? Of course not! She *always* needed the one parent who was needed elsewhere.  
  
When he got to the conference room, he wondered if there had been a mistake. The room was smeared with icing and food. The table was turned over and there was only one chair remaining upright. Everyone was throwing food, even the captain! They were laughing and yelling.  
  
As soon as O'Brian opened the door, however, the room went silent. Everyone froze. Then Picard stood up straight, and brushed some pie crumbs off his shirt. "That was a memorable party, but I really must go change. I expect everyone at their stations in three hours. Commander LaForge, I expect your report then. You can do it on something else."  
  
"Yes, Sir." Everyone said. They filed out single file, all trying to look dignified.   
  
O'Brian managed to catch Troi before she left. "What *happened*"??!  
  
"Oh, nothing much." Troi shrugged. " Q dropped by."  
  
"No, *food fight* or anything?" O'Brian asked suspiciously.  
  
"Of course not!" Troi sputter. "We wouldn't do that!"  
  
"Of *course* not." O'Brian said.   
  
"It was fun though. A pity you missed it." Suddenly, Troi brightened up. "You can have one of the Reese's cups I made. It'll make you feel better!"  
  
"You made them? Right. That's almost as hard to believe as the party being dignified."  
  
Troi gave him a candy, then went off in a huff. "Fine, don't believe us!"  
  
O'Brian ate the Reese's slowly. It was very good. He *wished* he had seen that party! It sounded like a great thing to get recorded, in case he needed to embarrass somebody. Call it a suspicious, but he had a hard time thinking thinking that a party with Q, on the Enterprise no less, could be anything but chaotic. Dignity would have been impossible to maintain.   
  
THERE'S NO WRONG WAY TO EAT A REESE'S!  
  
(A/N- I hope you liked it! It's not all that funny, I suppose. I tried to fit all the characters in. Please review! 


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